The Nine Circles of FSU Hell

By Trevor Durham on October 9, 2015

At the gates of my journey to the circles of FSU Hell, I found myself greeted by Mrs. Killings, sent by providence to take me on my path. We approached the gates of Westcott, whose inscription exclaimed: Abandon all orange, ye who enter here.

We begin our narration with a discovery of those who have not sinned heavily enough to enter into the nine circles of FSU Hell, but deserve infernal mention regardless, for their state in limbo does not excuse their petty nature:

THE WIRELESS PRINTER SINNERS: We know you say that you didn’t do it on purpose, that it isn’t using any of the wireless, that you’re innocent. But you aren’t. Turn it off.

Mrs. Killings led me by hand into the depths of Florida State’s sinners, showing me the hearty misery that these cruel beings bring upon those who uphold the torches of Osceola’s honor. She bid me look upon the faces of those who sinned, and this is what I saw:

FIRST CIRCLE: TCC STUDENTS – It isn’t your fault. I understand that it is more economical to earn your AA before you transfer into the halls of glory, yet you seek out privilege not yet earned? This is not your home yet, my friend. Please do not take my parking in the Call St. garage for your fourteenth tour of campus. Please do not take the last cookie at Suwannee.

I asked where they were, and Mrs. Killings told me that TCC students who take seats at Stroz during finals week are located much deeper. I dared not inquire further.

SECOND CIRCLE: THE KIDS WHO HAVE SEX IN COMMUNAL SHOWERS – I see your feet, and you aren’t wearing shower shoes. May Thrasher show mercy on your souls.

THIRD CIRCLE: FRATERNITY BROTHERS WHO THROW UP IN FRONT OF YOU – Gluttonous peer, who hurt you? Why do you consume more liquor/pizza/corndogs than your frail state can handle? Judge yourself further, prevent such sights from our eyes. Legacy Walk is a beautiful locale, not to be tarnished by your fluids. Clean up on aisle snap-back.

FOURTH CIRCLE: THOSE WHO DON’T TIP – Seminoles treat Seminoles with utmost respect, excluding their brethren who bring them their cinnamon rolls at 2am. The bottle of Ciroc in your hand screams wealth, but the X you leave on the receipt betrays you.

FIFTH CIRCLE: BOYS WHO THROW WEIGHTS AT LEACH – They give out towels at the gates so that you can soak up the ego at the door. Tossing dumbbells does not increase your strength, screaming does not equate mass, and the fury you put into your overhead extension all lead to why the Leach has put you into the basement-hole a hallway away from civilization.

SIXTH CIRCLE: PEOPLE WHO TRANSFER TO UF – Heresy! Orange looks good on nobody, least of all a job application. Our family will never stop loving you, but guarantees of game-day friendship cannot be given. We had high hopes for you. Never stop bleeding garnet.

SEVENTH CIRCLE: WHOEVER KICKED FIREBALL WHISKERS – You will never be safe. Leave, but sleep with one eye open. You are not welcome.

EIGHTH CIRCLE: MEN WITH FRAUDULENT INTENTIONS – The Florida State community shudders, Mrs. Killings shakes, and all tremble at the thought of the liars and deceitful among them. Promises, whether material or emotional, leave the eighth circle full. Broken hearts scatter the terrain about them, and a legacy of broken feelings. They are the most damaging and disasterous of all, second only to one entity.

NINTH CIRCLE: THOSE WHO SELL THEIR DAMN HOME FOOTBALL STUDENT TICKETS- This is a capitalist society, we know. The fifty dollars you earn will be spent on nasty draft beer, not a growth of capital. You’re the cruelest, most unloved people on our campus, and we all hate you. Denying the community and brotherhood of football games to those who endeavor to enjoy them is deceit, greed, gluttony, and treachery. Don’t decry that your power gives you the right- You sound as bad as the ogligarchy which you perpetuate.

Mrs. Killings is ashamed of you.

We all are.

You can escape this hell, as I have, to join Seminoles in a heavenly ring. Do not commit these grievous sins, and we welcome you all. The Inferno is not eternal.

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