Humor: The 5 Types of Roommate

By Ryan Durden on October 30, 2012

After centuries of research and progress, the university system has determined that the most effective way to manufacture high blood pressure in students is to pair them with another student and place them in a glorified closet for nine months. Receiving a stranger as a roommate is no better than playing Russian roulette, and living with someone you know from high school removes the surprise from the game. Occasionally, you’ll be paired with a winner, but more often than not, you’ll get one of these five breeds of roommate:

 

Hermit: The Hermit has a crippling fear of leaving the room. Whether you’re coming back from classes, practice, work, or partying, you can rely on the Hermit to hold down the fort. They come in a variety of subspecies, including Video Game Hermit, Sloth Hermit, and Nerdy Hermit. On the rare occasion they do leave the room, the Hermit is undoubtedly foraging for food; the Hermit has never learned how to operate anything beyond a microwave.

 

Foreigner: The Hermit’s polar opposite, the Foreigner is never around. The only signs of their existence are the filling garbage can and laundry basket. The Foreigner isn’t as inherently annoying as the Hermit, but campus housing gets lonely at night and sometimes you just want to talk to someone about your Dungeons and Dragons tournament victory without frightening people who matter.

 

Chatterbox: The presence of the Chatterbox is variable, but when they’re around they make their presence well known. Sometimes a man (or woman, I don’t judge) just wants to eat his Hot Pocket in peace, but the Chatterbox is going to ask you about every ingredient, nutritional fact, and temperature. Then he’ll tell you about all of his Hot Pocket experiences, his Lean Pocket experiences, and what the significant differences between the two are. Hybrid Hermit-Chatterbox species do exist and often cause their roommates to mutate into Foreigners.

You just KNOW this kid will never shut up about that bib.

Degenerate: The Degenerate has some sort of vice. The subspecies include Drug, Alcohol, and even Studying Degenerates, and they often attract other Degenerates to participate in their activities. There are few deterrents for Degenerates, but those suffering from a rabid roommate can attempt a Chatterbox defense. Don’t cede the dwelling to the Degenerate though; Hermit-Degenerate hybrids are potentially dangerous and may build a nest.

 

The Couple: Although university housing assures you that you will only have a specific number of cohabitants in a dwelling, certain students may find they have an additional roommate due to the Couple. The Couple is rarely separate; certain subspecies may be witnessed eating together, participating in premarital interdigitation, and even copulating. Although members of the Couple may be docile, the extra component will never agree to pay rent or clean up. Obviously, any combination of the Couple with another roommate species is frightfully dangerous. In these severe instances, becoming the Foreigner may be the only recourse.

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