The Best Season Of The Year

By Ryan Durden on September 3, 2012

With the beginning of the fall semester comes the beginning of one of our favorite times of the year at Clemson. It finally becomes apparent whether the recruits are going to contribute to a successful season and which teams are struggling under the competitive atmosphere and weight of expectations. According to an article published by Clemson University, we’ve accepted the largest class in school history with over 3,450 students. It can be expected that around one-fifth of these incoming young women will be chosen to play for one of the twelve teams in Clemson’s National Panhellenic Conference, the premiere sorority league at the university. Head recruiter for last year’s “Sassiest Sorority” Zeta Tau Beta, Regina Garvin, had this to say regarding the 2012 recruits:

“We here at ZTB are super excited for the 2012 recruits! Not to brag, but Zeta appears to have landed one of the best rushers in the country this year. This season’s number 1 recruit, Mary Hunter of Florida, has already agreed to a verbal commitment with ZTB. We expect her to sign on Friday, pending the acceptance of her academic transcript. She already has the wardrobe, make-up, and haughtiness of a future Hall of Famer; with a little coaching, we’re confident she can be a killer presence as soon as the mixer with Pi Kappa Beta. Mary reminds us a lot of Oklahoma standout Elyse Downs. Go Zetas!”


Number 1 recruit Mary Hunter is also an accomplished footballer

Photo courtesy of Nottingham Trent University via

While the recruiting trail appears to be paying off for Zeta Tau Beta, who is currently leading preseason polls, other sororities haven’t been so lucky. Amid allegations of providing improper benefits to recruits, the Alpha Phi Alpha sisters have struggled early.

“Did that foul Regina Garvin tell you we were struggling?” remarked Alphi Phi Alpha President Julie Heron. “We’re not struggling! The Alphas are experienced and hungry this year. We have a large group of seniors prepared to put their MRS degrees on hold to help the Alphas be their best and prevent the Zetas from repeating as Sassiest Sorority. Compared to many of the other sororities, Alpha Phi is still one of the most desirable. At least we’re way more ‘athletic’ than those Lambda slobs.”

When asked about rumors of her sisters providing recruits with Coach purses and Vera Bradley wallets, President Heron declined to comment. For those unfamiliar with the NPC’s rulebook, giving recruits anything aside from Kool-Aid is impermissible and may result in the sorority missing their postseason formal. Regardless of the outcome of the NPC’s investigation in Alpha Phi Alpha, it’s shaping up to be an exciting season in the college sorority league.

Ryan Durden is a Clemson student who enjoys satire, travel, and complaining about Columbia, South Carolina. He would cherish any constructive criticism and baked goods you send his way. His inspirations include Dave Barry, Daniel O'Brien, and his muse, Natalie Portman.

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