Avoiding the Freshman 15: A Foolproof Method

By Ryan Durden on September 26, 2012

Although I intend for this to be a lighthearted instructional article, I’m going to drop a terrifying bombshell first. According to a variety of reputable sources, weight maintenance after weight loss is essentially impossible. And yes, that’s true even with #1 Weight-Loss Diet, Weight Watchers, according to these numbers. Even Subway’s diet isn’t foolproof, and if we can’t trust a fast-food chain to help us lose weight, who can we trust?

Et tu, Jared?

Photo courtesy of Josh Bozarth via Flickr.com

Me. You trust me. In case you doubt my reputability, these pictures indicate that I’ve lost a significant amount of weight and have been able to successfully keep it off:

Left (2009): Oprah looked at this photo to feel better about her weight.
Right (2010): Boom. Ryan Lochte’s got nothing on me.

Since the cornucopia of links you’ve just ingested have undoubtedly filled you up, allow me to carry you through the process of avoiding the Freshman 15:

  1. Understand the system

There is no secret weight-loss system that works aside from counting calories. Think of your body as a car. Maybe you’re driving a Camry (we can’t all be born with silver Mercedes keys in our mouths.) You need energy to run your car, but cars can work on a variety of fuels like gasoline, ethanol, or goose fat. Likewise, your body can run on carbs, proteins, and goose fat, but if you eat too much of any of them, your check engine light is going to come on. Or you’ll become overweight. Check your owner’s manual to be sure.

  1. Hit the campus gym

Tis the season for bright-eyed freshmen and freshmenettes to visit the gym and examine the bounty of exercise opportunities available to them. Don’t miss this chance to learn from other young people who have no idea how to properly lift weights. Try waiting in line to squat 3 reps of entirely too much weight. You’ll impress all the other bros with torn shirts in the room, and I hear weight lifting is great for your health.

  1. Embrace your pretentiousness

Ice cream or fro-yo? If you’re a respectable human being, the answer is always ice cream. But pretentious human beings lose weight better than respectable folks, so let’s emulate the snobs. Buy as much tofu, free range eggs, and organic products as you can, and please, don’t forget to gloat about it. Gloating is a known calorie burner. If you’re struggling with eliminating humility, imitate these fine gentlemen. Notice the gloating? Notice how they’re all svelte? I’m not saying there’s causation there, but there’s totally causation there.

  1. Sabotage your peers

If the unthinkable happens, and you do gain that Freshman 15, you have one final option: turn your friends into chubby buddies. I recommend infusing their diets with Hot Pockets and Mountain Dew. Traditional gamers should adapt to this diet with relative ease, while vegetarians and hipsters may react violently. Push through will the knowledge that your cause is just, and soon your misery will have its desired company.

Ryan Durden is a Clemson student who enjoys satire, travel, and complaining about Columbia, South Carolina. He would cherish any constructive criticism and baked goods you send his way. His inspirations include Dave Barry, Daniel O'Brien, and his muse, Natalie Portman.

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