5 Things That Should Not Exist

By Tyler Duniho on November 13, 2012

Photo courtesy of lil’bear via Flickr.com.

Whether it’s intentional or accidental, young people tend to do stupid things. Four out of five of the things listed below are stupid things, and the last is just catastrophic and I hope never happens to me. Part of me wants to believe these came into existence because young people were bored, but the part of me that sees the truth–the scientific, calculating part–knows that this is modern natural selection.

1. Choking Game. There’s nothing sweeter than choking a friend until their face turns blue in order to give them a quick and cheap high. Am I right? This “game” seems to be played by younger people. By the time we get to college, we’ve moved on to safer things, like binge drinking while taking prescription pills. Still, it’s a wonder we made it past this phase. This game is fatal, and, at the very least, can cause brain damage.

2. Butt Chugging. What happened to the time when we were content to drink alcoholic beverages through our mouth? If I were at a party and some dude dropped his pants and shoved a funnel into his anus, I think I would peace out right there. Does drinking really take too long to get you drunk? If so, you have some problems. Leave the intestines to absorb what they’re meant to absorb, folks. Also, see comment about natural selection.

3. Vodka tampons. I don’t even know where to start with this one. Ladies, is this just a fancy way of sanitizing? If not, or even if, don’t do this–ever. And I wish I could say that this is just for women, but it’s not. Guys, if your roommate has a box of tampons under the sink, this is a warning sign. The rational behind this method is that it allows you to get drunk without showing signs of intoxication, which doesn’t make much sense. If you’re drunk, you’re drunk. I’m going to give mankind the benefit of the doubt and assume this one is just a rumor.

4. Flaming shots. Doing flaming shots looks cool and makes for an awesome Instagram photo, but is it worth the risk? Most of the time nothing goes wrong, but once is all it takes. If the flame fails to go out, congratulations, you now belong in a Batman film. Was that Instagram photo worth it?

5. Penile Fractures. Have you heard of this, perhaps from the show “Grey’s Anatomy?” It’s not made up; it can actually happen. It is most common among men in their twenties. How rough of a pre-marital shebang do you have to partake in to tear the tissue of your penis? Not even skyscrapers break during earthquakes anymore, and earthquakes do quite a bit of rocking. So, this one may not exactly be any one’s fault, but just a slight slip in the wrong direction. Still, why does this have to exist?

I have graduated with a major in chemistry. I also knows how to write well. That makes me a rare breed, indeed.

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